The Serendipitous Supermarket Expedition
Posted: Friday, March 12, 2010
by Ella Camp
Eating is the top priority of every living creature on earth. Food is our main objective in life, everything else just sort of revolves around it.
Even kids instinctively know this. On a trip to the carnival the first stop is the food stalls to get the 15 flavor extra humungous colossal size super- duper slushy, with extra syrup, and the gigantic whopper popcorn for 6, with 2 whole sticks of melted real butter, even before heading for the tent with the two-headed snake-skinned, monkey tailed, bearded lady. Hey- what's a carnival without a good buttered slushy puke on the tea cup ride?
The supermarket is the watering-hole of humanity; in it we leave evidence of our visit there as clear as tracks on a river bank.
Want to check out the average drug use in the surrounding neighborhood?
Head on over to the cookie section. By late evening it's beginning to resemble a war zone strewn with cellophane wrappings, half-empty packages, gutted boxes and chocolate covered crumbs. Even pilfering kids don't do as much damage as the da kinda tootin' neighborhood addicts in their voracious munchie-crazed, hemp induced nightly raid on the cookie isle.
There are always loads of Aunt Margaret Martha's low-priced, pebble-studded, baked plaster rounds left on the shelves, which she evidently makes at home and sells to the grocery store. Plenty of those left- not even the munchies want em.
Uncle Dave's chocolate fudge marshmallow peanut butter caramel delights- empty-gone-kaput! "Hey- where's the Uncle Dave's chocolate marshmallow delights?" "Oh- you'll have to line up tonight when the trucks come in to get those, can't keep em on the shelves."
Immediately upon entry to this emporium of gastronomical gluttony, you're surrounded by a vegan dreamscape of glistening green leaves and polished orbs of every shape size and color. As your chill-glazed eyes struggle to focus on this veggie and fruit- infested terrain, a battle ensues between your health-conscious sane integrity, and your overpowering, self-indulgent, venal appetites; which sends you on a mad dash past the green knots of Brussels sprouts and thrusting shafts of carrot and parsnip spears, into a coasting glide down isle one, where you march with a determined purposeful stride toward the objects of your original intentions- the six-pack cans of cherry- lemon-lime flavored ginger ale, chocolate-nut covered bear claws and greasy three pound buckets of already crispy-fried chicken, with three complimentary hot yeast rolls. Did you ever notice how all the things you really want are always on the other side of isle ten?
Girding my loins with intrepid confident resolution, I charge into the breach of gaudy, ubiquitous, neon yellow sale tags; tantalizing, seductive, invitations to unheard-of bargains of once-in-a-lifetime-savings, attributed to the madness of March, in the clutches of which I now feel maniacally gripped, offering everything from organically-grown, pickled onion & garlic marinated mushroom caps, to canned wheat germ-fortified pumpkin raisin bread, (just in case our timing was off on Y2k.)
Pushing a cart now groaning in protest of the teetering box tower of slowly thawing microwave-ready, culinary delightful, yet home-made tasting banquets for two, balanced precariously atop a cornucopia of sugar, fat and chemical-laced technologically engineered creations, I decide, at the last moment, to swing back by the produce section to quiet the guilt-nagging transgression of my former passage. Grabbing the romaine and 4-pack plastic container of over-ripe-to-bursting, on sale tomatoes, which someone also grew at home; perhaps Aunt Margaret Martha's neighbor, and sold by the bushel to the store, I head in a groaning crawl toward the checkout lanes, under the delusion that my shopping trip is finished.
As I study the mountain of delectable cuisine in the grocery cart, I realize I've gone overboard again, and got enough food to feed all the rock fans at a Stone's concert. ' Course I could just stick the 4 pk. fat trimmed, grill-ready, chopped onion flavored calf burgers, with free 6oz. bottle of Smokin' Tom's Honey-raisin chili sauce, over there with the walnut-pistachio patties and mallobars; who needs meat anyway.
"Hey-wait, what's this?" Babybutt wipes and powdered diaper bag deodorizer. "Who put these in here?" "Must have been that young harried-looking mother with the screaming blue-faced diaper-soaked infant and whining nose-dripping skirt-jerking two year old; with a desperate look of suicide in her puffy dark-circled red-rimmed eyes, I stood next to on isle 6.
While waiting in line, I casually peruse the gossip rag-sheet magazine display, gloating in satisfied cynical mirth at the distorted, disheveled personal lives of the rich and famous. A fool for impulse buying; the checkout line can be a danger zone. The six-pack of rainbow colored, miniature, glow-in-the-dark, handy pocket size penlights, and 2oz. bottle of pine-scented, lemon-orange cigarette smoke eradicator spray for the car at only $1.99 each, suddenly become something I can't live without. I'll even browse through the stuff other shoppers discarded- tucked amongst the breath mints, disposable razors and gummy worms. A tube of Lovely Lady Vermillion Explosion lipstick, with soothing vitamin E - aloe infusion and line-minimizing, lip-plumping moisturizers added. "Hummm, been meaning to try that- must be kismet." Into the cart it goes. 12 count package of Muy Delicioso real Mexican,extra crispy stand-alone taco shells. "What luck!" Something I meant to get, but forgot. Thinking thrifty now, I decide to leave behind the can of yeasty baked bread kitchen fragrance spray and bottle of extra-creamy, diet, rum flavored, chopped mango salad dressing- the last one on the shelf and on sale!
At last I arrive in front of the mascara-smeared, droopy-eyed teenaged checker, who is obviously the poster child for body-piercings and tattoos, and whose only hope of staying awake and upright, is evidently the sharp insistent jabbing from the ingrown nail on her right big toe, about which she nasally complains to the also droopy-eyed, nose and lip beringed, gender-challenged she-he desultorily bagging the groceries.
The checker begins her scanning routine while droning a rote-intoned pitch on the quick and easy application for the customer discount card, which I, being a regular and faithful patron of this august, lowest-priced-in-town, conveniently located mercantile establishment, already possess, and now clutch in my damp and eager palm ready to present and claim the $5.25 discount on my $259.99 grocery ticket.
Trudging through the doors, feeling as though I had just survived a gauntlet of club thwacking, stick-poking, nail-pinching aborigines, bent on extracting my last drop of blood, I finally stumble into the sun-blinding parking lot of reality.
After loading my ill-thought- begotten goods into the car, I head for the now monetarily threatened security of home- another harrowing supermarket expedition at last over.
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More commentsGreat article, Ella! You bring back fond memories of the shopping trips I took with kids when they were still living at home.
Supermarket adventures fully loaded. I will remember your visions on my next visit, and may enjoy the experience more - and stop at the cookie section.Thanks James- maybe the cookie section in your local supermarket will be nice and neat- like your neighborhood? Hope so.
I was sure I left comments on this one before - read it and ejoyed it that's for sure!
Wow, it came up again and I just got it on Reader's Club.... still like it a whole bunch - keep us laughing! Marijo
Nice article... makes me feel hungry! :)Don't go grocery shopping while in that state! Thanks Roberta
Hilarious satire, Ella! You've created such a powerful image that I now have indigestion and feel slightly bilious - shall drink water for dinner! I enjoyed this immensely...Thanks Jennifer-so pleased you enjoyed it.
Loved the shopping trip and was so glad I wasn't with you. I have no will power, full stomach or not. Great read.
Nice post. I did enjoy reading your post. You certainly have a knack for writing. Thanks for sharing.Mark Neil!
Nice article. I like the information. Thanks for sharing it
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