How to be an Ineffective Unsuccessful Failure- In 10 Easy Steps
Posted: Monday, August 16, 2010
by Ella Camp
Have you ever wondered what it takes to be a really ineffective, unsuccessful person?
I know you want to fail at everything you try, and never become the person you could have been.
"Where shall I start?" you might ask. That's easy, just think of someone you know or have heard about, who has failed at everything in one way or another, and focus on what makes them such a failure in life.
1. One of the first qualities you want to develop in order to be highly ineffective at anything is, low self- esteem. Place no value whatsoever on your self-image or personality; you must believe that you have nothing positive to offer anyone, and nothing of any value to contribute to society.
2. Give up on any efforts in which you may be attempting to achieve anything of note; and be sure to listen closely to any and all negative advice and comments from others- who may be trying to reinforce your efforts to become an unsuccessful, useless failure.
3. Never ever apologize for saying or doing anything that may have hurt, embarrassed or intimidated someone- you don't want people to think you are weak in your convictions.
Having a low level of self-esteem will help you decrease any motivation you may have to overcome challenges and obstacles. Just listen to the words spoken by the comedian Rodney Dangerfield on CNN- "The reason I don't get no respect is because I work hard everyday to lower my self-esteem, that's the best advice I can give." Having no self-respect is essential to gaining disrespect from co-workers, and everyone you come in contact with; after all, if others see that you don't respect yourself, then they won't respect you either. Learn to hate yourself if possible; if you can do this, then it will be impossible for others not to hate you back. Be a victim- nobody respects someone who feels like a victim.
4. Having friends can be one of the main obstacles to being a failure in life; so if you've made any- get rid of them as soon as you can- they can hold you back in many ways.
In order not to be slowed down by so called "friends," you must strive to be as unfriendly and unlikable as possible. Having no self-confidence and being unsure of yourself socially will go a long way to insure that you will avoid these pesky hangers-on. If you're anxious about meeting new people and uncomfortable in social settings, you may negate unwanted invitations to parties. If you do unavoidably find yourself at one of these gatherings, always be timid, unnatural, false and rude. I suggest you practice these attitudes regularly, in order to become the person you want to become quickly and easily.
5. Effective people are good careful listeners- so, never listen to what other people are saying, and try to deliberately misunderstand anything you may inadvertently hear. In any conversation, try to spend more time talking about yourself and your problems and less time listening to the other person. Listening to other people may give the impression that you are a caring person instead of someone who doesn't give a damn about anybody else. Take any negative comment made by anybody else personally, and always act insulted, this is being honest, and you'll get lots of disrespect for it. It's always a good idea to talk too much about anything that pops into your head, and never give the other person a chance to contribute to the conversation- you don't ever want to incorporate listening skills into your normal behavior pattern; people may begin to think you have good communication and social abilities. Last, but not least, try to be a failure at social repartee by making your retorts hurtful and disrespectful- after all, the whole idea is to win at one-upmanship at any cost.
6. People who say yes, are usually suffering from guilt- learn to say no to almost everything that doesn't promote your own self interests, and avoid these unproductive feelings. Never feel guilty about anything you say or do- this may tempt you to apologize, a cardinal no-no for ineffective, unsuccessful people. But remember- guilt is a good tool to use to get others to cooperate and agree with you, make others feel guilty if at all possible. Also- good ineffective parenting means doing everything for your children, to prevent them from learning anything for themselves and never ever discussing anything with them-so they can grow up to be ineffective failures too.
7. Always dwell on the past, and all the pain and resentment you have for people who hurt you; never forgive anybody for anything. This can instill resentment and anger in you, and cause negativity in you thinking, which can promote your goal toward being a highly ineffective, unsuccessful failure in life. And don't forget procrastination- never do anything you can put off indefinitely.
Effective people have the ability to see other people's views- so work hard on developing the skill of avoiding consideration for other people's feelings or viewpoints. Teachers, businessmen, employers and the like, should concentrate on learning this ability in order to be ineffectual failures at their jobs.
8. Be obnoxious- this step can go a long way toward accomplishing your goal- talking over everyone else, and never respecting or considering anyone else's opinions can foster development of this attribute. Never avoid conflict or arguments- create them if necessary. Using the old axiom, "The devil made me do it," can exculpate you from any responsibility for whatever criticism you may engender from any immoral blunders- remember, you should never be caught apologizing. Also, using the "sour grapes" attitude can indicate that not having something you really want doesn't bother you at all, because it wasn't worth having anyway- so make full use of these axioms often.
9. Never succumb to the temptation of the popular practice of Meditation- this can clear your mind and put you in touch with your real self- where you may begin the dangerous process of mentally planning success and effectiveness. Whereas being anxious and not in control of your thinking processes will allow the greater development of the above mentioned ability to be obnoxious, which can forward your path to unsuccessful failure.
Running away and avoiding difficulties and challenges can also insure that you don't succeed in anything that may boost your low self-esteem or confidence; so be sure to treat any new challenges or opportunities for success with fear and retreat- be unsure about yourself, and less positive about life.
10. Effective successful people know when to change their approach and try something different. Be inflexible and stubborn- never change your tactics when you're failing- stick to your original plans and beat that dead horse even deader. Ignore mistakes, and never admit that you may have taken the wrong approach- never modify your plans, this may lead to the introduction of new and successful ideas. Cultivate a negative attitude about everything in general, and religiously ignore the power of positive thinking.
Although these are the basic steps, you may add many ideas of your own from them.
In a personal vein, you may need a few tips on how to lose any friends who may have attached themselves to you. and are holding you back from your goals.
Women may want to know how to lose a best girlfriend- easy- flirt with her boyfriend. Bat your eyes at him often, and giggle and laugh at his insipid jokes. Take every opportunity you can to talk to him alone, and brush up against him every chance you get. Also, be sure to mention how bad she looks when you go places together, and never tell her when she has spinach in her teeth. Tell everybody you know every secret she ever told you. Criticize her hair and make-up, tell her how tacky her clothes are- things like that- this should quickly absolve you from any obligations of friendship with her. Guys can do some of the same things, except for the eye batting and make-up, unless of course his friend is into that stuff; then it's okay to use that. Otherwise the main thing for him to do is, go behind his friends back and try to lay his girlfriend- preferably while he's at work- an unsuccessful person such as you won't be encumbered by a job. Always be discriminating in choosing who to dis-befriend in this manner though- if he is from Texas, he may be armed and dangerous, and you may lose more than just a friend.
Now, learning to make a complete fool out of yourself is not that difficult- some of these things may even come naturally to you.
First, just forget any manners you may have been unfortunate enough to have forced upon you- good parenting has been the cause of many a successful person.
Forget about compliments guys, and when entering a restaurant with your girlfriend, always walk way in front of her, and never pull the chair out for her- doing that may give her the impression that you were brought up right. Next, stuff your napkin down the front of you collar, and don't forget, never ever use it- no matter how much gravy or pasta sauce you may have clinging to your cheeks or mustache.
Laugh, guffaw and talk loudly, preferably with your mouth full of half-chewed food. Oh, and don't forget to drink way too much alcohol, complain loudly about the food and service- argue with the waiter and pinch the waitress. Refuse to pay the bill, stumble into as many tables, chairs and people as possible on your way out, and get arrested for drunk driving. With a little practice, you'll be making a complete fool out of yourself every time you leave the house.
If you are unlucky enough to have a job, punch in late- punch out early- go home and sack out. Remember, hard work will never get you anywhere. A few extra tips- Never shower before leaving for work, and always put on the first thing you pick up from the pile on the floor. Forget about hair and teeth brushing- you may be talking in close proximity with co-workers or even the boss that day. Hair should be unkempt and falling into your eyes at all times- being dirty and tacky is a must if you expect to be an unsuccessful failure at the office- at least TRY to get fired!
If you go to someone's house, and they ask you if you want some coffee- take the whole pot- the cookies too- leave and take them with you, then you can at least drink it in peace, without somebody else wanting some of it- be selfish- it's the only way you'll ever have anything in life. Keep, at all times, a bad attitude about life in general- remember- any peaceful seeming times are just a short pause before the next horrifying, traumatizing event occurs- always be ready for it by looking on the dark side of everything. Try to be a bad influence on younger people around you, teach them how to be a failure in life too.
By following a few of these simple steps, you too can be a full-time- year-round- unsuccessful, ineffective failure. And whatever you do- never kill cockroaches!
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More commentsHey, have we met? That's me, minus the getting laid part! :) Can't wait for your next informative tidbit. It's exxxxcitin'!Good day.Yes, and I'm so glad we have- sorry about the minus part- that's not good for you- need to correct it asap!- Thanks so much for your loyality- a quality that I value highly- Always- Ella
Who knew being a loser required so much effort! Some people make it look so easy, it must come naturally to them. :) Very funny Ella, but at the same time you've made some good points. Your article may give some people a jolt into turning their behavior (and life) around.Depends on one's age I think- the longer we stay stuck in one mode, the harder it is to turn that steering wheel-LOL-Thank you so much Brianna- your comments make me feel so good- Always- Ella
What a fantastic article. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.This must be how a comedian feels when the audience laughs at his jokes- no wonder they become addicted to it!- Thank you so much Dixie from Dixie!- Always- Ella
Ella, I want to give you another 5 stars, so this is non readers club. Still laughing...
Oh, I don't know what the problem is, but the rating isn't showing. Damn.You're so good to me Jenn- I love the heck out of you!- Thanks again- Always- Ella
Right, I've figured it out! So here goes.
What a well done article on success!SteveI appreciate your attention- Thank you- Always- Ella
Reverse psychology and tongue-in-cheek - Wow! With those 10 points, anyone heeding them can successfully achieve being a dufus and an oaf. Really well written and all encompassing. Interesting slant on a rather current subject -Thanks Heidi- your good sense is always welcome and appreciated- Always- Ella
Ms Ella, reverse psychology may work. Your article gave me a laugh, whatever result we get. Now, for a little add on, "if he is from Texas, he may be armed and dangerous" reminds me of the time I lived in Divide, CO and was taking my husband home from outpatient surgery only to find the main roads barricaded and sheriff deputies re-routing down bumpy roads, quite painful to my recently drugged husband. The cause of all the commotion--The Texas 7 were being busted.PS: I rated the story a high 5, but it reflects a 2.5. I do not know why, unless that is MY Searchwarp rating.
I enjoyed reading this thought provoking article, the way you wrote it is refreshing and makes for a great read. I really enjoyed your message from it as well, as Suzi said, reverse psychology may work! This article really made me think.
Oh my goodness Ella, Did I laugh reading this.Thanks for writing this.
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